Editor’s Note: When Nani comes home with a blasphemous science book, Baba threatens to pull her out of her California school on in the Federation of African Republics Against Women And Youth, where he’ll lobby religious wackos like him to author textbooks that respect God.
I know you’d never have guessed this, but sometimes yours truly, Baba Nani, is a proud Afrikan Evangelical Christian. I’m so proud a man of God, that — when it suits me — I practice Christianity with more zeal than the white man, who brought it to me. (When your skin color is different from the son of God’s, you have to work extra hard to show the Father that you can be better than the white man. Just like I had to study 10 times harder in college, only to end up earning 10 times less than the white kids who played ultimate frisbee while I was buried in books).
Anyways, I’m so religious that I won’t use the word “create” in reference to any action that God Almighty didn’t perform. Only God is creative. Last week I quit my job after the boss told me that he had “created” a spreadsheet for me to use to record spending. I will never work for such a blasphemous idiot. Of course, my family may starve to death, but the good book says that the Kingdom of Heaven awaits those who are starve on this earth, for they’ll each get two fishes in the after life. Anyways, let’s stick to our story.
Yesterday Nani came home from school with a science book that attributes the origin of the universe to something called the Big Bang. I was like, okay, I smell blasphemy, but okay. I kept reading hoping to see a flattering version of the story of Adam and Eve, and the Garden of Eden, and the Snake.
There was nothing of that nature.
But that’s not all. Good brothers and sisters in Christ, the book also states that life originated in the eastern part of the Federation of Afrikan Republics Against Women And Youth. That’s just bullshit (Calm down. The book of God says — I think — that a man can use vulgar language when defending the club His son began 2,000 years ago).
Anyways, I don’t believe the Garden of Eden was in FARAWAY. I’ll tell you why. We are black, and the white man says nothing good comes out of black. And have you been to FARAWAY? Why would God place the garden in such a god forsaken land? If I’m wrong and there once was a garden in Afrika, then I’m guessing we Afrikans were so corrupt that we forced God to move it to the Unforgiving States of Amerika. There’s no corruption in this land of the free, you know. (Wink, wink).
But, anyways, let’s, like, go back to, like, Nani’s story. The stupid science book, like, denies that God created all wonders you see around you. It attributes life to the something called the Big Bang. According to the ridiculous theory, all these wonders began millions of years ago with one bang! bang! bang!
Screw this liberal cesspool called California. Next week I’m heading to that goddamn school to demand that they pull that book out of the curriculum, or I’ll pull this Amerikan brat out of that school and move her to FARAWAY, where Jesus freaks like me can fight for editorial control of what our children learn.
Maybe you’re asking, “How can a black man write textbooks?” I’m not going to. I know my limits. I’m going to ask white people to. I’m talking about those evangelicals — who have failed to turn these Unforgiving States into “One Nation Under God” — to come make one in Afrika before the Chinese use their ill-gotten money to start confusing our people with Confucius. The good evangelicals have already began that work in the Afrikan Republic of Uganda, anyway.
But don’t worry, sinners. We can keep “Big Bang” in the textbooks, but only if it means that life began when Big Adam banged Eve in the Garden of Eden.
Baba Nani blogs about the challenges of being an Afrikan father in a world that ceased to be Afrikan. His column appears most Fridays. Subscribe to the Afrikan Trumpet to get notifications of his crazy stories.