Kenya should host doping Olympic games this summer 

 

We're not saying the athlete pictured here was on dope, but the award ceremony at the Doping Olympics would look something like this. Photo: SassyPhotographer/Flickr.
We aren’t saying this athlete was on dope, or that he was holding marijuana, but the award ceremony at the Doping Olympics in Nairobi would look something like this. Photo: SassyPhotographer/Flickr.

The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) has just declared Kenya non-compliant in efforts to make sure athletes don’t use performance enhancing drugs. What this means is that Kenya — the most feared name in distance running — could miss the Olympic games in Brazil this summer.

I think this is a plot by Ethiopia, our neighbor to the north and main rival in this field, to finally dominate the events in Rio de Janeiro. Of course I have no proof of that, but the Kenya I grew up in taught me that whenever things don’t go your way, do not admit fault; blame your neighbor for jealously trying to sabotage you. I have also learned from my surrogate homeland, the United States, that when your economy is tanking, don’t take responsibility; blame China.

But one thing I am certain about is that Canada, where WADA is based, doesn’t want Kenya to continue dominating athletics. And I am tired of the west trying to dictate how we run Africa. I mean, these Canadian WADA is worse that the International Criminal Court (ICC). You don’t think so? The ICC didn’t convict our beloved leaders, President Uhuru Kenyatta, and his Deputy President William Ruto.

That’s why I am suggesting that our commander-in-chief suspend the motion to remove Kenya from the ICC, and instead put all his might in organizing a defiant counter to the Olympic Games in Rio this summer. Call them the Doping Olympics, to be held in Nairobi concurrently with Rio. Kenya deserves the inaugural Doping Olympics because in the last two years, 40 athletes from my country of birth have tested positive for substances WADA deems illegal. (In comparison, ICC only charged less than a handful of Kenyans for crimes against humanity).

The Doping Olympics would allow anyone under any drugs to enter and compete in any Olympic event. Wouldn’t you love to know who can run the fastest 100 meters under the influence of marijuana? Wouldn’t you watch a marathon race that begins with everyone snorting cocaine and recharging at the points where there is usually drinking water? Which drug, between meth and crack, enhances performance? Do you want to see the father of all doping, the cyclist Lance Armstrong, in action again? Who wouldn’t love to see Maria Sharapova slam a handful of pills before a Doping Grand Slam in Nairobi? And, how about at triathlon where athletes take a different drug they transition betwen events?

How would we pay for the Doping Olympics, you ask? Russia. (Why do you think I suggested inviting Sharapova?) The eastern European superpower is also facing a potential doping ban from participating in Rio, so I have no doubt that they would love to open another front line in their Geo-political war with the United States.

I guarantee you that there will be more people tuned in to watch the Doping Olympics than the games in Rio without Kenyan and Russian athletes.

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